i’m going through something… i feel like that phrase is synonymous with being a human. to be a human ultimately means to be going through something all the time.. maybe a bit dramatic but definitely a working theme for me. after reading Mark Manson’s book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck’ I interpret the things i am going through as privileges, it does not mean i do not fight for these priveleges … this is all very vague and not really pertaining to my actual point. mainly i’m trying to say being a human is not always easy, but thats part of the beauty.
i had a clear realization the other day. PAUSE- read on if you are an astrology person, if not skip down to the next paragraph- I have transiting jupiter conjunct my natal saturn and transiting saturn conjunct my natal jupiter… i feel like i am going through a birthing process… feelings of extreme expansion and extreme contraction with some grounded thoughts in between. its heavy and light all at the same time and i love and hate it all at the same time…
extreme anxiety hit the other day, I was out on a hike contemplating a difficult decision i had to make when i saw a girl. a girl, long story short, i believed i should connect with. i reached out, said hello and started a conversation. because of my already anxious state i made a bit of a fool of myself staring off into space while thinking of something to say, talking about myself, not asking questions, forgetting things she said, not having any composure- according to me. who knows how she felt. as i was walking out of the woods i felt a rush of emotions coursing through my body. it felt as though my body didn’t even exist. it was just a bunch of swirling energy with no idea where to go. particularly in my legs. i couldn’t formulate clear thoughts. every step i took seemed like a process. at one point i had to focus on each individual step to make sure i didn’t fall down the usually easy to descend rocky cliff. i was shaking. i wanted to escape but couldn’t, it was my own body doing this, the body that just the other day i was rejoicing to be in .
i went home. no music on the drive, no podcast. no appreciation for the beautiful spring flowers i know are blooming on the route i took home. no appreciation for the glorious day that lay before me. just sheer dread, impending doom (a phrase that neatly sums up my anxiety, a phrase that my friends, once i started experiencing anxiety constantly made fun of me for using- and in lighter moments i find quite silly- not in this moment) my world was falling apart. I’ve been doing some practices lately, mainly meditation and breathing as well as looking at my anxiety as a teacher. in this moment it took over for about 30 minutes, teaching me how wild it can be. i looked up a chi gong video on youtube, the first one i clicked was general and had me doing things to waken up my energy, that was definitely not what i needed. i then watched and performed one for relaxation. the lady was great just not what i need at the time.
then.
then i lied down.
I’ve done this practice a few times where i ask myself where in my body is this coming from. i did just that.
where are you coming from, what do you have to teach me?
my mind kept escaping to whatever fantasy it had created, a fantasy in which my world was crumbling and there was no way out. then i realized something.
i realized, whenever i started to think i clenched my glutes.
deep breath.
once i made this realization that became my focus.
keep my glutes un clenched. surprisingly this was a challenge. i found myself floating away into dread and remembered to check in with my glutes. i realized i couldn’t think the awful thoughts my brain was producing and keep my glutes relaxed. i had to make a choice. i chose for about 10 minutes to let my ass go. this actually took effort. i could feel my body wanting to tense up. it felt like a battle, a battle i was proud to fight. i don’t want to be a tight ass. i don’t want to have lower back pain because i cant relax my flute muscles. i don’t want to escape embodiment for those fearful thoughts. so i fought. my body started to show signs of relaxation, deep breathing slower heart beat. best of all my thoughts returned to me from the monster that took them. i was able to get it together in a total of about 45 minutes this includes the ride home. i went to work, had glorious clients, chatted with coworkers like a normal human being and felt grounded.
deep gratitude to this moment.
have you had moments like this?
somatically minded 