Category: Body Language

the clouds have taken over
a lovely british woman who owns a delightful shop, incidentally a leo, is so bright and cheery around this weather. she reminds me that being from england she is trained in such behavior. she points out how the greens are so much greener with the gray backdrop.

anxiety is easy to find in the body
it screams with tension

depression, fatigue, lack of luster; thats a bit harder to pin down
its like fog, clouds that have escaped the sky looking for somewhere to seep

I’m beginning to suss it out
for me, it starts at my left leg
the energy that once inhabited the leg and thigh recoils all the way up to the hip
it settles there, like a head on a rock
I’m standing on my leg, but i cannot feel my leg
very similar to the idea that i know that i am alive and have a spirit but in the midst of this contracted state i cannot feel it

i noticed.
i made an effort to make an effort
i was massaging when this awareness happened
i was in a lunge position
my left leg, the lunged leg, was holding me up but i was not feeling it
i was jamming my femur into my hip socket, using my joints for stabalization

i made an attempt to engage my muscles to be more vital
it lasted about 5 minutes before i realized i was doing it again
and again
and again
this pattern went on for the rest of the massage
the client was happy

i was not

why so unconscious?

i was deflated

all day

these clouds

are weighing on me…

i came home.

cried a bit, did some squats and standing exercises.

i feel better.

so far, i know:

anxiety is about learning how to release

depression may be about learning to engage